Friday, September 2, 2011

There are no women in Morocco

     It seems all the women in Morocco have gone mysteriously missing. This epic tragedy has come to my attention over the last years, as I've noticed that Moroccan men are generally forced to turn to the Internet in their search for spouses. ( The Internet, you see, is where lonely American converts dwell, the low self regard foisted upon them by our sick culture driving them to stay in their homes and avoid human contact if they happen to be a bit shy, or overweight, or over 25, or divorced....)
     Honestly, the number of Facebook statuses, blog posts, and other online forums detailing the sad stories of American convert women taken in by unscrupulous Arabs and South Asians in Internet marriage scams has skyrocketed in the past two years. I could go on the usual rampage about how these Muslim men are sinning and committing a terrible transgression against their sisters, and how they'll answer to their Creator for their acts, etc. Or I could rationalize their foul behavior by explaining that employment and marriage prospects are abysmal in North Africa and South Asia, so desperation drives such men to use American Muslim women as a way out. But I think enough has been written about these dirtbag men (although the writing has come mostly from bloggers and scorned women, rather than from religious authorities whose duty it should be to intervene, alas, they find it far easier to turn a blind eye to the degradation of their so-called sisters).
     Instead, I'd like to address the women who find themselves duped by Internet suitors from foreign lands: You bear plenty of responsibility for the situation. It's hard to be alone, sure, but does it really drive you to be so self deluded as to believe that some dude on the Internet, living 8,000 miles away, who is likely unemployed and without prospects, is really your soulmate? This yutz you've never met, who can hardly communicate in your language, who wants you to pay for an airline ticket and your own wedding, as well as funding and sponsoring his move to your country; is this the fella who you really believe loves you to distraction and can't live without you? Nonsense. You're not that stupid. And there's no need to be that desperate. There's more than likely already a man living right there in your own country who was just made for you. And if not, isn't it better to stay single than to be used, humiliated, sucked dry, and discarded? (If you answered no and find that it might be better to be all those things than to face the horror of being single and self-sufficient, read no further.)
     So, some tips for those of you lost in the labyrinth of Muslim matrimonial sites who aren't sure how to spot a Green Card vulture:

  • Does he live in your country? If no, block him immediately.
  • If it's too late and you're already chatting up some dude who doesn't share your citizenship, has he professed his undying love for you? Have you been chatting less than a full year? If the answer to both questions is yes, block him immediately.
  • Is he more than five years younger than you? If yes, he wants more than your bod; block him immediately.
  • Does he look like an underwear model? If yes, there's no reason he can't find a woman in his own country. Block him immediately.
  • Has he given you the sad story about how there are no jobs in his country? How there are absolutely no "good women" in his country? Block him immediately.
  • Has he made promises about treating you like a queen and loving you to pieces and worshiping the dust under your feet, but said very little about how/where he intends to contribute to your support? Block him immediately.
  • Still unsure? Block him immediately.
     As for the rest of us, those who are fortunate enough to be in stable marriages, or single and happy, shame on all of us for not warning our sisters about these predatory men. Protecting Arabs at the expense of converts is becoming a habit, a filthy, nasty habit and it needs to end. Or maybe we worry too much about hurting someone's feelings if we tell them their fairy tale online love is probably made of lies. That needs to end as well. It's sheer cowardice. If you lose a friend or cause a moment's offense because you tried to be the voice of reason, at least your conscience will be easy. And you might save a fellow Muslim a great deal of heartbreak and humiliation.

**Disclaimer: Although it should go without saying, I feel compelled to add--before someone comes along and yells at me for generalizing and slandering Moroccans and others, because her online romance with a foreigner has turned out well--that I understand that not all such relationships end badly. I concede that at least one in 37 million will work out beautifully.


  1. LOL. Loved it! And what's worse, many of them don't even know that the man has another wife in his country (I, too, have noticed that it's often a Moroccan or South Asian, particularly Pakistani, man!) When they find out, it's "too late" 'cause they're already in love, they believe.

    I especially loved the "block him immediately" if you're "still unsure" :P You're hilarious. It's also so true that these men will just rant about how difficult it is to find a "good Muslim woman" in their own country. Really? Seriously? Or is it just that they don't have American/British citizenship?

    I have American citizenship, I'm Pashtana and from Pakistan, and almost all the proposals that come to my family for me are from mothers/sisters who want their sons/brothers to go to America. Each time a proposal comes and my mom brings it up with me, the first question I ask is, "Does he live in America? Has he ever been here before? Does he have American citizenship?" My mother has started telling me that I'm not gonna have any luck getting married if I'm gonna seek only an American citizen, haha. But I absoLUTELY refuse to marry someone who doesn't know a damn about me and just wants citizenship from me.

    There are is only one case in which I tell my mom I'd willingly marry someone who doesn't have U.S. citizenship, though: if he's beyond brilliant, understands me, *and* has a good job.

    k, I'll stop here, I promise, lol.

  2. Welcome Audacity (love your name),

    Before marriage, good woman = holds American or UK citizenship. After marriage, good woman = cooks-like-my-mom-and-keeps-mouth-shut-like-fantasy-girl-from-village. I thought everyone knew that.

    You sound like me in my single years. Can I tell you that I once shocked the entire community by demanding a faxed copy of a passport from a potential suitor?

    Stick to your guns, lady, and don't get strongarmed into marrying a non-citizen. Above all, do not be perturbed by dire warnings of old-maid-hood. I had long accepted spinsterhood (and by that I mean I thoroughly enjoyed being single), then my (citizen) hubs fell into my lap and we've been quite happy together ever since.

  3. Shoot dang, girl. Preach it! I, like so many American converts, found myself wandering around the halls of and the like and found exactly what you speak of: 99.9% bad news.
    Here is a great story, the kind you laugh about for years afterward: I was chatting with this dapper gentleman from London, U.K. who was Pakistani and wanted a modern, educated female rather than the village girl his parents dreamed of. We had many similar interests and ideas and he was very laid back, down-to-earth. We talked on the phone day and night. I liked him. I was smitten. And so imagine my chagrin when weeks into our brief romance, he tells me he cannot marry me because his family has protested it. Like a sick, sad puppy (and that I was) I begged to know the reason. Because I am a convert, because I am a white, because I have a black baby? WHY? WHY?!?!?! Tears and all. was pathetic. God bless him for being respectable about it and insisting it was none of those reasons and I should not feel so down, all will be well, etc.

    Oh golly...really though, it is the plight of the American convert. We are attacked immediately with proposals and for fear of never finding a suitable spouse, without the intricate social connections other Muslims have, we settle.

  4. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I am a white convert, and I have heard waaaaay too many stories about American converts who marry guys they barely know and end up in a loveless (or worse, abusive) marriage. Not to mention the terrifying "Not Without My Daughter" parental child abduction scenario. There is so much pressure for converts, especially women, to get married right away, to whoever comes along, and I refuse to fall into that. I have turned down several marriage proposals (seriously, these guys came up to me and asked if I wanted to marry them, and I had never seen them before in my life; they didn't even tell me their names!) One of my closest friends says that I'm being too paranoid and if I keep this attitude then I'll never get married, and it just makes me so mad. She is a born-Muslim with much stronger roots in the community, and is therefore less of a target. Obviously there are plenty of marriages between American converts and Arab/Desi/African/Southeast Asian men that work out great, but there are also plenty that don't. Being a Muslim woman shouldn't mean having to settle for less than you think is right!

  5. the only man I truly loved was from icq
    But he was determined not to get married because his destiny was to live alone, he had come to this conclusion after devorce
    Met him last year again and he had got married
    His wife became my best friend

  6. Salaam Alaikum,

    I've discovered your blog via MMW and I love it! It's been far too long since I read a really good blog.

    This post reminds me of something I wrote several years ago now:

    I married my Brother From Abroad (although he was already in the UK), 5 years ago. Alhamdulilah, so far, so good, but I realised I took a huge risk and if God forbid, this marriage broke down, it's not something I'd take a chance on again.

    However, conversely, I would not necessarily recommend marrying a convert (even though I am one). Once upon a time, I thought that people who considered it risky to marry a convert were being horribly unfair, but a few years along the line and I can see their point.

  7. Superb post. I'm in the UK and see sister after sister going through this. Once they have their papers, the man disappears. Argh!

  8. Hi Safiya, I've often visited your blog, so it's nice to see you here.
    You said in your post, "Don’t make the assumption that Muslim country = country full of good Muslims."
    Good grief, can we shout this from the rooftops please? It's one of the many things everyone seems to forget to inform our convert sisters about.

    @Riven: It's an epidemic in the US as well.